Aggravation

My cockface of a dog chewed a hole in the carpet today while I was at work. It's about 4" wide by 6" long. Insert your own dick joke here, I'm not interested. Mother fuck. This could end up costing a LOT of money and it pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that I now have to live in an apartment with a hole in the living room floor. To add to my own aggravation, there was a marketing brochure and some sweepstakes thing at the liquor store titled "sing like John Mayer". Fuck.....you. Why does someone with such guitar talent sing such cunt-tastic music. I hate it. Your Body Is A Wonderland. Go slingshot an oversized set of balls in your mouth. There is a movie called Wonderland about piece of shit dead porn star John Holmes. I will forever correlate the two whenever I see or hear either one. For all you girls out there that are head over heels with this "pretty" song, know that your "body" could actually be referring to the carcass of a dead porn fuck and his AIDS ridden dick. At least that's how I like to think of it. I would say sorry at this point, but I'm fucking not, so deal with it. John Mayer says "niggers" in interviews to get laughs. Stick to music that fools the general public into thinking it's good, and leave the comedy up to real geniuses such as Louis C.K., Eddie Izzard, Jim Norton and Doug Stanhope, to name a few. I will stick to using you as a highly recommended douche product if anyone ever inquires.

"Do you happen to know a good douche product?"
"Actually yes. Right this way...."

I need a fucking star map.