Aggravation

My cockface of a dog chewed a hole in the carpet today while I was at work. It's about 4" wide by 6" long. Insert your own dick joke here, I'm not interested. Mother fuck. This could end up costing a LOT of money and it pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that I now have to live in an apartment with a hole in the living room floor. To add to my own aggravation, there was a marketing brochure and some sweepstakes thing at the liquor store titled "sing like John Mayer". Fuck.....you. Why does someone with such guitar talent sing such cunt-tastic music. I hate it. Your Body Is A Wonderland. Go slingshot an oversized set of balls in your mouth. There is a movie called Wonderland about piece of shit dead porn star John Holmes. I will forever correlate the two whenever I see or hear either one. For all you girls out there that are head over heels with this "pretty" song, know that your "body" could actually be referring to the carcass of a dead porn fuck and his AIDS ridden dick. At least that's how I like to think of it. I would say sorry at this point, but I'm fucking not, so deal with it. John Mayer says "niggers" in interviews to get laughs. Stick to music that fools the general public into thinking it's good, and leave the comedy up to real geniuses such as Louis C.K., Eddie Izzard, Jim Norton and Doug Stanhope, to name a few. I will stick to using you as a highly recommended douche product if anyone ever inquires.

"Do you happen to know a good douche product?"
"Actually yes. Right this way...."

I need a fucking star map.

Blogs McGee

I don't blog (yet you are reading something I blogged and I now sound/feel really stupid). The good news is I just ashed in my own drink. Fuck....ass. I shouldn't be smoking a cigarette, but I'm drinking, so that's my reasoning as an addicted smoker. Wrap your lips around the nearest pole if you have a problem with it. I would like to say a few words if you please. Cunt, cock, dickholes, anus, bag o' milk tit face, roast beef curtain but no hardware pussy lips, and coinpurse wrastlin'. The last one is really gross, but if you're a gay......enjoy. So there you go. I don't believe anyone reads my blog, as I've only done this once before. It feels good to speak freely, as I must constantly watch what I say with a customer service job, and parents and grandparents always close enough to make me feel guilty about what I say at really no fault of their own (but maybe as I'm about to explain there is something to do with it). I was raised in a conservative environment, with a mother that is a big fan of Dick To The Face Bill O'Reilly. I don't believe that is how he is introduced to his news show, but to each their own. I find my introduction to be both funny, and strangely accurate. I would not like to be called Dick To The Face Chris Smith, but I can't control the world. I do lean the republican way, however, I am able to acknoweldge the facet that there are intense assholes everywhere, present company not excluded. I feel like blogging should be left to the teenagers that have everything handed to them, yet they still live a miserable life in their own eyes. Oxycontin should cure that. So please children, do heavy drugs because you don't know what else you have to do with yourself after zero guidance from bullshit parents with a big fucking bankroll. Toe fuck a snatch if you're bored, there is a world of opportunity. I say all that yet I'm blogging myself. My sweet girlfriend just asked if I was going to send her my handle (and I'm serious when I say she truly is very sweet), however my handle is not available for shipping, so I apologize to anyone that wants the long distance dick. My dog likes sticks.....I like boobs. It's an interesting dynamic between man and beast. My obnoxious and random information/thoughts of life in general may confuse some, but I don't give a fuck. A tadpole bath may be the answer for anyone questioning me or what I do. So there is an aggressive stance on things. I would be pleased to know that I have offended many with my rants, and if there is a problem, I will be sober in the morning. You can give me all your questions and concerns, so I can make sure I have some toilet paper for my morning duece-piece. I am not a good person......most of the time. Laters.